skip to 2:20! or don’t! toddland isn’t your possessive girlfriend! speaking of, are you gonna break up with abby? everyone thinks you should. even abby. she hates you.
since vidcon just recently passed (toddland knows you were really looking forward to it this year), you won’t have the chance to win the wallet from ijustine. but to help out our fans (and ijustine’s fans, let’s all be friends), toddland is setting up a contest. all you have to do is click HERE (not HERE), send in $24 (plus shipping, handling is free) and a short 1 page essay on what you would do if you had a hamburger (figure out how to fill a whole page with “i’d eat it”). 1 in 1 wins. the essay isn’t as important as the money. just send in the money. and cookies.
in toddland, there are many projects that must be kept up flannel sleeves. said projects are very temptation nation to talk about, but must be kept at level 6 classified information. that usually leads to conversations like this:
“so, toddland…. what do you do?”
“well, ms. supermodel of america, you’ll never believe that we’re getting to work on….. carrots.”
“look at the time! i have to go to a photo shoot right now. its theme is ‘the most beautiful women ever. who don’t want to be in your parent’s basement right now’. bye”
eventually, projects hit the market and are declassified (level 6 projects are lowered to level go ahead projects). yay! they are talkaboutable! like these limited edition jackets toddland has teamed up with thalia surf shop to make.
they are great racer style jackets that match our get rad or get lost board shorts. these jackets are only available at thalia surf shop and are hand-numbered and limited to 80. that’s not a lot of limited. hurry over to thalia’s online store by clicking any of the words in this post that are a different color. apologies to colorblind blog readers of joy. you won’t know where to click AND you can’t be jet pilots. bummer.
please line up for your free toddland hug. courtesy of toddland. it has been 2 weeks (4 years in dreamtime - inception, anyone?) since there has been a new post on this here blog of joy and wonderment. why, you ask? because toddland has been beard-deep finishing all the threaded bounties of raditude for fall. some say that these past 2 weeks with no blog posts have been “cat in the microwave” horrible (DO NOT PUT CATS IN MICROWAVES). but it will be worth in when fall drops like an anvil of love into your closet (that made just as much sense as vacationing in jersey. none). until then, toddland will leave you with this pic from the august issue of gq. it’s emma stone wearing a toddland/kelly thacker collab let’s die friends hat.
and now, join us for six degrees of toddland. emma stone, seen above with the let’s die friends hat, appeared in the movie zombieland. there were a lot of zombies in it. one zombie was wearing the toddland tenderfoot buttondown. emma stone now has 2 connections with toddland bounties. if she wants another connection, she can come by the office, for, you know, wink wink, nudge nudge … a free shirt.
kids love candy. that is why all their teeth fall out. it’s evolution’s way of saying, “go for it. and here’s a car decal.” but what is one to do when they grow up and candy is still delicious? (spoke with candy on the phone the other day. candy has no plans of slowing down its deliciousness) adult humans have two options when dealing with candy. and luckily, they are here for your list pleasure:
1 - only eat candy in moderation (said ms. lame, your elementary school nurse)
or
2 - get your own show on the food network called “kid in a candy store” and travel this great u s of a looking for the best candy. all while wearing the toddland navajoe western buttondown.
again, thanks to superfan99 mack for sending this in. because you have brought this to our attention, you get to send us candy. sour patch kids will be accepted. red vines will be consumed. good and plenties will be rejected. they’re just black licorice coated in a candy shell. that’s the devil’s candy. and dude does not have an educated candy palette. always going on and on about butterscotch.
hell in a hand basket, i tells ya. that’s where this world is goin. and right quick! wanna know why? i’ll tells ya why! the kids these days! no respect for nothing. when was the last time you saw a smart haircut? and don’t even get me started on how they dress. if you can even call it that! in my day, if you weren’t wearing a suit, you were either in bed or in surgery! although i did wear a blazer when i had my appendix removed. but that was because there was what appeared to be a lady doctor present (probably wandered off from some sort of costume contest). now, these whippersnappers proudly wear….. jeans…. with holes in them! they are proud to wear garbage. soon, they’ll be using ol’ tin cans as top hats! “done with that coffee can? great, because i need to cover up my stupid haircut!’ is what they’ll be saying. so just today, i picked up the june 2010 issue of gentleman’s quarterly. that’s gq for you pepsi generationers. and let me tell you, there was no gentlemen in there! not one! look at this pic right here!
see that chap right there in the middle? he seems to be an actor/singer on a show titled “glee”. the only gleeful feelings i’d have would be from turning off that program! this kid ain’t no fred astaire! he plays a kid named puck. puck, huh? you know what that sounds like. i’d tell ya, but there may be ladies present, and i ain’t one to use profain language around the skirts. and what’s worse? look to the left of him. there’s another embarrassment of society wearing a toddland nachos trucker hat. a hat that says nachos? sheesh, now i’ve seen everything! tell mildred i’ll be seeing her soon. i’ll be the one in the suit.
long before kitten-centric calendars, man created the wheel. based on the findings of the toddland department of natural historical events and chili, a few years after the wheel, the car was manufactured. then henry “gotta make cars for my drive-in theater idea” ford unleashed the assembly line. and cars were everywhere. there were so many cars, they were crashing into each other. those days, the law stated if you were the cause of an automobile accident, you owed the other party one steak dinner at a mutually agreed upon restaurant. on a sunday. eventually, steak prices rose like a high-rising whatever makes this work, and bad drivers needed assistance. enter insurance companies. if bad drivers paid a little every month, they could hit anyone they wanted to for the insurance company would have to pay and pick a restaurant. eventually, laws and insurance practices changed. for the better? for the worse? call unsolved mysteries!
one thing that has changed is now insurance companies advertise. on television! with actors! that wear clothes! and sometimes those actors wear toddland bounties, like in this state farm commercial. captain grey-shirt is wearing the toddland greatest pants in burgundy (urban outfitters still has a few). enjoy the pants, captain grey-shirt, for you will not be getting any steak.
this post was to detail a toddland bounty in a honda commercial, but pictorial evidence could not be obtained. why not do the post without pictorial evidence? two reasons; 1) you wouldn’t believe toddland because of your trust issues (rachel really messed you up, man) and 2) words without pictures suck (ask dr. suess). so no post was to be posted. stop crying. be strong. read through the tears.
with toddland’s newfound time (it was in between the couch cushions), an old, random episode of “community” was ordered from the internet. repeat readers of this blog (which is up to 6 now, thanks uncle marcel!) know the character abed is a repeat defender of toddland bounties on said show. and in this random episode, once again his upper hemisphere is wrapped with the lombard cardigan in teal.
and let us zoom and enhance the back for toddland stitching detail proof.
see how the universe wants you to have new posts? “no honda pics? how about you watch ‘community’”? you’re welcome” (transcribed from a phone conversation between toddland and the universre). know the universe does not sit on the sidelines, eating orange wedges. nor should you.
oh, and bonus, patton oswald played the nurse on this episode.
many kitty calendars ago, there was a televisional program titled “the oc”. people loved it. a few married it. then divorced it (”the oc” never put the milk back in the fridge!). then mtv spawned a show, “laguna beach: the real oc”. oh snap! take that, regular oc. this show is geographically more specific. teens love geography. “i love geography!” said teens (they just called toddland to say that. thanks universe!). after that show came and went, it is now what most people think of when they hear the words “laguna beach”. but laguna beach is known for many other things. one of the main things is thalia surf shop. they were awesometown enough to ask toddland to design their summer window display, and summer window display design toddland did! here’s a pic of it all installed.
that’s right. toddland is getting all nautical up in here. and that is also right. that is a moustache on the front of the boat. and yes, you are on fire, that is right times three. the waves are also moustaches.
if you’re in the area, snap a pic of you next to this window display. send it in (welcometotoddland@gmail.com). you might become toddland blog internet famous (meaning toddland’s mom may recognize you at the dairy queen).
in life (and maybe the afterlife, who knows!), there are two ways of advertising: emotional advertising and factual advertising. toddland will not get into subliminal advertisbuyalotoftoddlanding. emotional advertising speaks to the consumer’s heart (bumbum, bumbum, buy this and shelly will come back, bumbum), while factual advertising speaks to the consumer’s mind (this delorean’s nuclear reactor can generate 1.21 gigawatts).
most automotive advertisements deal with emotions. this car is cool. you will be cool. this car is fun. you will be fun. this car doesn’t get stood up on blind dates. you have a better chance of not getting stood up on blind dates. it may still happen, but your odds are better. a grand example to feast your hungry eyeballistics on would be the new ford fiesta commercial which features the toddland snotty plaid.
that car seems like a party! some may even call it a fiesta! like uncle nacho. he’d call it a fiesta.
